My Immortal and the Philosopher's Commentary
by NicKenny
Summary: My comments, no matter how unwanted, unnessecary or uncalled for, on Tara Gilesbie's now infamous tale "My Immortal". Will contain scenes of Grammar-Nazism, anger, swearing, insults and inexplicable sex scenes, along with moments that will defy the laws of all that mortal men understand. You have been warned!
1. Chapter 1

**(A/N) It's been done so many times before it's unlikely I'll say anything that someone else hasn't, but I'll be damned if I don't throw in my two cents as well. Unneeded, unwanted and uncalled for, here we go! I'll try to be as unbiased as possible. No blatant bashing here! This story belongs to Tara Gilesbie, and possibly JK Rowling, should she want anything to do with it. All I have are my words and "wit". Hope you… enjoy! **

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **I…I really want to be kind…but…goffik?** 2 my gf (ew not in that way) **Because being a lesbian is wrong?** raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **Helping you with the spelling? I weep for American schools.** U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! **Because depressed people talk in exclamation marks, they're depressed but pumped up on caffeine!**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **Randomly** **picking words out of the dictionary.** **Also, why the apostrophe? O.o** and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **Because….you were born with ebony hair?** with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **What is a limpid tear? Please, someone help me out here!** and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). **I don't and I'm starting to want to leave to be honest…BUT I WILL PERSEVERE!** I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **So…being a lesbian is bad but incest is ok?** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. **What other kind of teeth are there? Blue and curly?** I have pale white skin. **Ah! So you're Irish! …Shit! ** I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts **How the hell can you spell Hogwarts but not "you rock"?** in England **Scotland!** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) **cos ur goffik!** and I wear mostly black. **Because goths normally go around in bright pink.** I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. **That's good to know.** For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. **So Hot Topic cater to sluts who like leather and combat boots?** I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, **You have white skin, why the foundation?** black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, **I want to see this weather! I **_**need**_** to see this!** which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **For looking at you? BITCH!**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. **Suspense….Anticipation….Slight Dread….** Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **….what? WHAT? HE FUCKING CALLED YOU OVER! WHO DOES THAT AND THEN GO "Nothing." ? AND HOW OOC IS THIS SHIT!**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **Calming down…getting over ridiculousness… accepting that maybe this is how she views the world….**

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **NO IT'S NOT! Seriously, this story HAS to be a troll. No one could write this badly.**

**So…remaining unbiased didn't go so well…I would like to point out that the only sentences that were spelt correctly and actually made sense were the ones about her clothes and make up. Girl's got priorities! My quote of the chapter was "**It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about." **As this actually showed creative ability (or just stupidity). Anyway, tomorrow I will post out chapter two, and we'll see how long I can keep at this! **

**Signing out to wash my eyes - NicKenny**


	2. Chapter 2

**(C/N) Realising that I'm not the author but the commentator, I shall start with a (C/N) from now on! Having had so much fun last time, I'm back again! (Not really, I just need to vent a bit). :P Are you all ready for this? I don't think you could be! Here we go! **

Chapter 2. **The Curious Case of the Acronyms.**

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! **Yet your spelling is as bad as ever. And also, FAIL! ** BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **NEVER!**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **As opposed to waking up in the kitchen?** It was snowing and raining again. **Magical weather ongoing, all flights have been delayed.** I opened the door of my coffin **…what?** and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **Where do you get bottles of blood? Is this some knew Tesco product marketing scheme? O.o** My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink **Sooo goffik!** velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of**f** my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. **Once again, listing clothes is not a storyline.** I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **…great…**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **At least you got her to spell your name right! You must be so proud to be associated with this!** woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **So she grinned at you before opening her eyes?** She put on her Marilyn Manson **Ugh** t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **Once again, I could not care less about clothes and make up. Just please, please write something vaguely interesting! *Imagines Tara learning how to spell, laughs and gets back to work***

"OMFG, **ROFL! Acronyms for life!** I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **They exchanged like two words? That's not much of a conversation. :/**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **Vampires can't blush dear, no blood. Some goth you are. :P**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. **…Slytherin's common room is in the dungeons, NOT next to the great hall.**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **After blushing? Methinks the "lady" doth protest too much.**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. **After you yelled that you didn't like him. He's probably relieved. Run Draco!**

"Hi." he said. **NO! Don't talk to her! She just rejected you!**

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **Wow. You so don't like him.**

"Guess what." he said. **"I don't like you either BITCH!" Please?**

"What?" I asked. **Oooh! Saucy reply!**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **Never, never going to happen. And you're a pureblood. You don't like Muggles. Even if they're in a band. **

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" **Because. Sometimes. Acronyms. Are. Not. Enough! (From now on will be BSAAN).** I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **…Yay.**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked. **You have failed me once again, Draco. You OOCness knows no bounds.**

I gasped. **LE GASP!**

**So, in summary, it appears these chapters are going to get increasingly worse. But hey, that just means we can laugh at them even more! And this week's quote was tough, but I'm going to go for **"It was snowing and raining again."

**Might need help getting through the next chapter, who'll join me? Wait and see, should be uploaded later today. Why? BECAUSE THESE ARE SO MUCH FUN TO DO! BTASMFTD!**

**Later. **

– **NicKenny**


	3. Chapter 3

**(C/N) So, no second opinion on this, quite possibly unrivalled chapter of crap. Sadly the person I was hoping would help….dissect this masterpiece was unavailable, and hence it took me a bit longer than normal to update. But here we are. This chapter was….difficult to read. But I will persevere! And I hope you all will along with me. **

**Analya-Goddess of emotions, thanks for reviewing and finding that my little contributions actually make this readable. It's nice to be appreciated. *Hint hint to other readers* ;)**

**And here…we…go!**

Chapter 3. **Clothes, Makeup and Blatant Copywriting.**

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! **No. It's too much fun! :D** odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **People gave good reviews? Fuckn prepz! **FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **No shit!**

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. **Yay! Back to clothes!** Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. **Lace**! I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **…First of all…NO! Secondly, vampires can't bleed.** I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. **Ebony can read? Now that's a plot twist!** I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. **Makeup! :D** Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **Didn't stop you before. :P** I drank some human blood **Where's she getting this?** so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **When you think this story couldn't get further from canon.** He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), **Clothes!** baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner **Makeup again! ** (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **No, no they don't. Maybe cool drag queens.**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **If you're depressed why do you have an exclamation mark?**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) **Sigh** and flew to the place with the concert. ***Hogsmeade*** On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. **Ick.** We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **Headdesk. How the fuck could that be a good idea?** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. **Girl, I mean this in the kindest possible way. You would not last ten seconds in a real mosh-pit.**

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **Once again, no shit! Secondly, I wouldn't really call that a song. More of a…narration?**

"Joel is so fucking hot." **Great thing to say to a guy who fancies you btw.** I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **Told you!**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **Hurray! Ebony isn't completely dense! **

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **This dialogue just grips you, doesn't it?**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **D'awwww!**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. **So no, she actually likes him more. She's just settling for you Draco!** I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **Compared to you Ebony, Hilary is a goddess of unrivalled beauty.**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer **'Cos they ran out of blood!** and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into…**Dun dun duuuuuunnnn**… the Forbidden Forest! **And crashed into the Whomping Willow, killing both of them and ending this…travesty once and for all!**

**Only not really.**

**I'm very sorry to dash your hopes like this.**

**My ending was so much better.**


	4. Chapter 4

**(C/N) This is by far my favourite chapter in Tara Gillespie's wonderful fanfic, My Immortal. A chapter so amazingly brilliant that not only will your mind be blown by the end of the chapter, but you will be awestruck to tears! Now without further ado, I present Chapter Four. May someone have mercy on your souls. Cos your minds going to be pretty much fucked after this. **

**Analya-Goddess of emotions: I really wish that had happened too, but, alas, it did not, and this story has many…many more chapters for us to get through. :/ But thanks for reviewing once again. You're awesome! My favourite reviewer. ;)**

**Here we go.**

Chapter 4. **Sex, Drugs and Dumbledore.**

AN: I sed stup flaming ok **NO!** ebony's name is ENOBY **….what? Her name's…Enoby now? O.o** nut mary su **…headdesk** OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! **All that's needed to explain OOCism!** dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **I actually had to read this a few times before I understood it. :P**

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **A question we're all asking ourselves m'dear. **

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. **And fell a hundred feet to his death, as the car was still FLOATING IN THE FUCKING SKY!** I walked out of it too, curiously. **And also fell to her death, curiosity killing the cat.**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **"How have we miraculously survived this drop, which surely should have killed us, and ended this farce once and for all?!"**

"Ebony?" he asked. **It's Enoby Draco! Did you not read the Author's Note?**

"What?" I snapped. **Get her name wrong, you piss her off. Learn from this, young Draco.**

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) **Noooo? I really thought you were thick enough to actually give Draco red eyes. And what the fuck is gothic red? O.o** which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **Cos evil and depressing sorrow always calm me down. :P**

And then…** wait for it**… suddenly just as I **just as I what?** Draco kissed me passionately. **Ugh.** Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **Classy lady right there!** He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. **You're just getting classier and classier. Putting out on a first date… Draco's a lucky man.** Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **First of all…you're only topless. Did his….thingie penetrate your panties? And you-know-what? *Facepalm* So what's Voldemort in all this? Is your you-know-what anyway related to you-know-who? And if you're going to have an unneeded sex scenes….at least use the right words. PENIS! VAGINA! I think I may have just killed Tara Gillespie with those words. May the world thank me for it. **

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. **Getting steamy here!** We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. **Please let it be because she's caught fire! PLEASE!** And then…. **And believe me, this is the highlight of this story. A moment so OOC that…well…it's just awesome. IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!**

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" **Cos motherfuckers is soooo hard to spell right. :P**

It was…**Epic moment of revelation**….Dumbledore!

**AND HE'S FUKING PISSSSED! :D**


	5. Chapter 5

**(C/N) Now make way for my favourite chapter so far. With insults so awesome and plot twists so mind numbingly brilliant that it will blow your mind. Well…ok they probably won't. But maybe you'll enjoy this. If you're a brain dead raccoon with a negative IQ… But you might be. And if you are, I want to call you Banjo. That is now your name.**

**Analya-Goddess of emotions: You bring up many good points. However, this is Taraverse, and standard laws of physics don't apply. Obviously it was a **_**magic **_**car. :/ And even I don't think Ebony would have been such a slut to go commando on a first date…or would she? Damn! You're making me question my perceptions! ;)**

**Anyway, read on. You all know where the review box is I assume? Please stop by and make a poor writer very happy.**

Chapter 5. **How To Get Away With Anything.**

AN: STOP flaming! **We've discussed this m'dear. It ain't gonna happen.** if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **I'll happily be called both. Really, it doesn't bother me.** Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! **Dumbledore had a headache? :O Plot twist! But really, who could believe that Dumbledore suddenly begins swearing, just because he has a headache? I mean, when I have a headache, I take a neurofen and sit in a corner somewhere quiet. I don't go on late night wanders to oogle students having sex, then swear at them. :P** PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **Guess that's the end of this then. :P Wooohooo!**

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Dumbledore made **Made what? O.o** and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **Best. Insult. Ever…. Of all time.**

I started to cry tears of blood **? Might want to get that checked out dear. :/** down my pallid face. **Surprised that Tara's vocabulary includes the word pallid.** Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. **Possibly because you snuck out to go to a concert in Hogsmeade, flew a car, took drugs and drank alcoholic substances, then had sex, after entering the FORBIDDEN Forest. I think they have a right to be angry. That is definitely expulsion material.**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **My name is Albus Dumbledore, and you will fear my furious voice! **

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **I'm really going to have to start writing these insults down.**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. **Cos we're Draco an Enoby BITCH!**

And then Draco shrieked. **Shrieked? Manly…** "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **…wow…that'll get you off.**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **WHAT! THAT GOT THEM OFF! WHAT THE FUCK! ….Fine…from now on I'm using that excuse for everything, as it's apparently unbeatable.**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. **…I'm still angry they got off scott free. :/**

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently. **For the last time Drace, it's Enoby!**

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **Wow…I just go to sleep in my boxers…maybe Enoby is a classy lady after all. That's a fuck load of preparation for sleeping.** When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. **How the hell did he get into the girl's dormitory? What's the point in writing a fanfiction if you're not going to make it relate in any way to the story? ** I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. **No shit.** We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **Poor Draco, even though you go to all the effort of sneaking into a very slutty girl's room, and have the best get out of jail free card ever, you still can't get laid. Oh wait. She had sex with you in the last chapter. My bad.**

**Anyway, since Tara declared that until she gets some good reviews, this is the last chapter, I guess this is the end of our little saga, as no one in their right minds would enjoy this fanfic right? Right? **

**Don't count on it.**


	6. Chapter 6

**(C/N) This brings us to Chapter Six, and we get to see a beloved character grotesquely transformed. You will not be happy. This is guaranteed. But this is My Immortal after all, if you wanted to be happy, you'd hardly have come here. :/ But maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to get through this with me. I know I'm asking a lot. And if any of you have the time, please remember to review. **

Chapter 6. **The Boy Who I Wish Had Died**

AN: shjt up prepz ok! **These ANs are starting to get tedious. :/** PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **Firstly, that's what you said last chapter. AND YOU STILL FUCKING UPDATED! And what the hell is a revow? O.o**

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. **Ok, that is plausible. Kinda surprised that Hogwarts provide coffins but whatever.** I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. **Wait! You're a vampire…wouldn't that burn your ears?** I spray-painted my hair with purple. **…You spray painted your hair…*headdesk***

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal **Wow…** with blood instead of milk, **Provides all the iron and vitamin B a growing child needs!** and a glass of red blood. **I'm noticing a trend here. I think Enoby might be a vampire.** Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. **LE GASP! Red blood on your red and black clothes! That's gonna stain!**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. **Language!** I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **…Wait…why would that make you regret it? And please, don't let this guy be another beloved character, after being horribly Tara-ised.** He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **How were you going down his face exactly? O.o** and he was wearing black lipstick. **I hate him already.** He didn't have glasses anymore **Glasses? Oh fuck no!** and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **Scar? Red contacts? NOOOOO!** He had a manly stubble on his chin. **Slightly irrelevant but still…NOOOOO!** He had a sexy English accent. **Wow, well given that she thinks Hogwarts is in England…does that mean Harry's Scottish?** He looked exactly like Joel Madden. **I do not know who that is. :/** He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **Wait? What? O.o You brought that up? And how the fuck would that work anyway? And aren't you with Draco for fuck's sake? *sigh***

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice. **Then stabbed her with a…poisonous JCB!**

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned. **DON'T ANSWER! PLEASE! DON'T FUCKING SAY ANOTHER WORD!**

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **NOOOOO! Why the fuck would they call him Vampire?! That makes even less sense than Ebony! That makes even less sense than ENOBY!**

"Why?" I exclaimed. **Exactly what we're all thinking. Why Tara? Why?!**

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **…Creepy bastard. Wonder what happened to the Dursleys in this universe. :P**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed. **NOO! Really? It's not like you tell us that every few lines. You sleep in a coffin, drink blood….eat Count Chocula cereal!**

"Really?" he whimpered. **WHY IS HE AFRAID! He fucking drinks blood too!**

"Yeah." I roared. **How can you roar without an exclamation mark? And did that really require a roar anyway? **

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **It's sex. It's sex isn't it? If it's sex I'm going to kill someone…with a poisonous JCB.**

**Well…there we go. Harry Potter is now inexplicably Vampire…Tara can screw just about everything up can't she? :/**


	7. Chapter 7

**(C/N) Well, here we go once again. Apparently Tara was actually getting those reviews she needed, god knows how. Humanity depressed me. :/ Anyway, sorry for the delay, been working on the Hunger Games collaboration Bring Them To Their Knees, check it out! Anyway, I'll be heading back to college soon so my updates may get more sporadic. But on the plus side, I'm studying English in the college I've always dreamed of going to. Life is good right now! :D**

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life **Fuck, guess I can't make up my own titles anymore. :'(**

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **…what?** n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **SHE GOT FIVE GOOD REVIEWS! HOW!** STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **Oh, no…please don't Tara, how would we survive?! :'(** Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! **Ok…Ebony, or Enoby, is now Evony? But nor Marie Sue. Glad we've got all that sorted out!** n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **…Well, we can agree that she has problems at least. But it's your readers that are depressed.**

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Draco and I held our pale white hands **Creepy** with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings **Signs?** on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?) **Yes..yes it does. A stupid creepy Satanist Mary Sue. WHOSE NAME IS EVONY! **. I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **What's the difference between dark misery and normal misery? Is there a light misery? A diet misery?** I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. **Wow, a love triangle. Not Mary Sue-ish at all!** Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…**building the tension….**

We started frenching passively **How can you French passively?** and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. **Note the exciting use of verbs.** He felt me up before I took of my top. **Once again establishing the point that Enovy is one classy lady!** Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked **Bacause Ebony was only wearing a top and bra, and Draco only had pants, and thus, now they are naked. *Takes gun out of left drawer of writing desk*** and then he put his boy's thingy ***Presses gun against head*** in mine and we HAD SEX. ***Pulls trigger*** (c is dat stupid?) **YES! But we've established this ages ago Tara. You are incapable of writing. Oh and… Bleaaaahhh! *Dead***

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. **Wow, clearly she's been paying a lot of attention to him. It's not like his arm isn't, y'know, and area that is socially acceptable to display in public.** It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **LE GASP!**

I was so angry. **Draco has a tattoo! I'm angry too! That is so out of character I could punch Tara! **

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. **I loooove you! Now you have to forgive me!** But I knew too much. **Or possibly too little. I'm leaning towards the latter here.**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **You've already had sex with him twice. If he has AIDs, you do too. :/**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. **So….just her bra and top.** Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what ***giggles hysterically*** but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. **Those other people are insignificant. They're probably all preps anyway. Students these days….**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **I AM NOT CAUSING AN UNESSECARY SCENE!** **Also, this means Draco and Ebony/Enoby/Evony/Evilbitchofcrapness were skiving off Potions class to have sex. WTF is with the staff in Tara's Hogwarts. Apparently sex is completely ok. :/**

**Kinda sounds like most schools. :P**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey guys! This is chapter eight of Tara Gillespie's epic saga, My Immortal. Once again this chapter was untitled, so I, in a burst of extreme lack of imagination, decided to name it using the first eleven words that came into my head as I finished reading this….monstrosity. I think I may have finally smashed a hole in my table with my head….it's a very headdesk inspiring chapter… Anyway…Enjoy! **

**Once again thanks to Analya-Goddess of emotions for being a constant reader and reviewer. It means a lot to me! Please, follow her example!**

Chapter 8. **Kill Me Know. Or Just Vampire And Bloody Mary. And Tara.**

AN: stop flassing **Flaming? O.o** ok! if u do de prep! **This insult is getting old Tara.**

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Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked **Which is apparently a normal, run-of-the-mill occurrence in Tara's version of Hogwarts if previous chapters have been anything to go by.** and started begging me to take him back. **Despite the fact that she hasn't said she's dumped him yet. :P**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. **"I DID IT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!"**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith **Da fuck? O.o** smiled at me understatedly. **How can you smile at someone understatedly? O.o** She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair **How can hair be gothic? Or goffik?** and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. **I should certainly hope so!** She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. ***facepalm* Why wear white makeup on white skin?** Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. **Ok, where's Hermione fitting into all of this? O.o** Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. **That. Is. So. Incredibly. Wrong. It's just wrong. On so many levels.** She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. **Why? How can you justify that? And why's her first name different too? Was she born with blood-red hair? O.o** (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. ) *** repeated headdesk***

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" **These insults, they really burn, don't they?** Snape demeaned angrily **I do hate when people demean angrily :P** in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. **Le Gasp!**

Everyone gasped. **Communal Le Gasp!**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. **POV change?** I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) **That's…well…I guess it's OOC but well…fuck it.** for a while but then he broke my heart. ***sniffle*** He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. **LE GASP!** We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. **…I'm noting a trend here…** (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) **More like a prep would hang out with you m'dear. :/**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire. **Not really a Le Gasp moment but….nah forget it.**

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. **Totally a normal reaction.** I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility **….Her…virility….** to Draco and then I started to bust into tears. **Cos crying in the Forbidden Forest is always such a good idea. It's not like its…well…Forbidden for a reason. :/**

**Will Ebony get eaten by a werewolf, will Dumbledore and Snape have an insult-off? Maybe Vampire, Draco and Bloody Mary will have some horribly fact destroying threesome in the middle of the Great Hall as gargoyles catcall and scream abuse? Wait and see! **


	9. Chapter 9

**(C/N) Hey guys, I'm finally back. College life has been crazy and put severe restrictions on my writing time but here I am, once again, for seem reason once again immersing myself in the crapheap that is My Immortal. Yay. This is sooo much more fun than college… :/**

Chapter 9. **Is It A Voldemort?**

AN: stop flaming ok! **Ok. You're right Tara. This has gone on long enough…Then again…Meh. I actually quite enjoy this. ** I dntn red all da boox! **DA BOOX! FEAR DA BOOX!** dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! **HOW DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE?** besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! **Cos I always swear when I've a headache. I'm just a grumpy bastard that way.** and da reson snap **Crackle! Pop!** dosent lik harry **Ewwww….** now is coz hes Christian and vampire is a satanist! ***Le Facepalm*** MCR ROX!

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I was so mad and sad. **And bad, yet glad.** I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **…I hope someone's cleaned it…**

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything **Everything what?** started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort! **Wait…he looked like Voldemort…and was Voldemort… MINDFUCK!**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away. **The incantation is actually **_**imperio **_**but whatever.**

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. **What? Is that some new spell? Where does Hermione's cat come into all of this? O.o ** I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **I wouldn't. Voldemort certainly wouldn't. Though he doesn't know the killer Crookshanks spell.**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **…And he's Shakespearean…Wow…You'd think J.K. Rowling would have mentioned it. :/**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah **sexah!** eyes and his **sexah** gothic black hair and how his **sexah** face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? **Could be a reasonable deduction to make. Yet instead you went all crazy and psychopathic. **

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back. **Witty comeback of the century.**

Voldemort gave me a gun. **Why? She has a wand! And why the hell would Voldemort have gun?!** "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" **Mwahahahah bitch!**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. **Well, at least someone's able to see how thick Ebony really is.** "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. **How can you answer cruelly? O.o** "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. **Can you really fly away angrily? These adverbs are really screwing with my concentration.**

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. **Oooh suspense!** Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!" **Now I have to kill you. Bang!**

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) **NO!** between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

"Are you okay?" I asked. **Because your state of mind matters to me, in the moments before I kill you.**

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **Expelled? He's no longer going to the school of ridiculous Draco Malfoy copies.**

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **Wow…well…that's a hell of a way to end the chapter. Without Draco speaking more than three words they've gone from a massive argument to making out. Meh, anything can happen in Ebony/Enoby/Enovyverse.**


	10. Chapter 10

**(C/N) Two updates in two days? I know! Crazy or what? This may be my favourite chapter so far. I don't think there's a single sentence that actually makes sense. While I'd love to present this to my Theories of Literature class in college but I think that all we'd surmise was that the author was a brainless idiot who can't write. But whatever. **

Chapter 10. **This Is Fucking Stupid!**

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! **Wow girl. Way to deal with criticism in a mature way.** ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok! **…What? How many words can you possibly misspell in one sentence?!**

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I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. **Terror of Vlodemort.** I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. **Such originality. Brings a tear to my eye.** I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. **People are idiots.** The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. **I actually think this is brilliant. I really, really do. Honest to god.** He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists **Yeah…that's totally a fine pastime.** (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) **I'm just surprised that you can write that.** or a steak) **Sends their cholesterol through the roof.** and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. **Well…at least it's a fairly good depressing movie.** I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. **Forgetting all previous actions, clothes that you're currently wearing and well…you fucking had sex with Draco on your first date! You are a slut!**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. **Don't you just hate when you bust into tears.**

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice. **Concerted is definitely not the right word here m'dear.**

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. **Bitch please! You can't understand the pain I'm currently feeling.** And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. **Yes…they were totally supposed to know about this before you told them. They had all clearly been there at the time. GOD B'loody Mary. You stupid idiot!**

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. **LIKE A NINJA!**

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) **Yes. Very very very out of character.**

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. **And this is actually really in character. This is totally something that Draco would do. He's always crying and whatnot.**

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. **HE'S FUCKING PISSED! RUN GUYS!**

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) ***Major Facepalm* Need to remove this sentence from memory….but…can't…** "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **Which you literally just said he couldn't do. So this is stupid. Stupid, stupid Ebony. I'm going to go off and punch a wall or something. Cos this was really fucking stupid. **


	11. Chapter 11

**(C/N) Hey guys, you know what it's time for! Another mind melting chapter of My Immortal! My brains partially fried after reading through all of this so I'm gonna try to keep this note short and sweet. This is the worst chapter yet. I feel physically sick. This makes Ulysses appear to be a quite easily understood and manageable text. So…just keep a barfbag with you guys. This one's going to be a little hard to stomach.**

Chapter 11.**This Is Really Fucking Stupid**

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! **Cos that's totally been working the last ten chapters…** c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 **It is. It's really fucking stupid. Also, random ones much?** it delz wit rly sris issus! **No…no it does not.** sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid **Trust me, we will.** brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me! **Raven, I will pardon you of all crimes you have committed in facilitating this travesty if you…put an end to Tara before she can upload the next chapter. Just something to think about…**

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"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! **If only she had been horror-fried… What? Bad joke?** B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off **Perfectly natural way to treat your friends** and I ran to my room crying myself. **How exactly does one go about crying oneself?** Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. **…*sigh* at least the spelling was fairly correct.**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood **Once again m'dear, I think it's time you got that checked out.** and then I slit both of my wrists. **Which is just how Draco died…Which you previously told us couldn't kill vampires…maybe Ebony will die…that'd make me happy. ** They got all over my clothes **…Wait…what got all over your clothes? Your wrists?** so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. **YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL THE NAME OF THE FUCKING BAND RIGHT!** I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. **Cos everyone keeps a plate of raw steak next to their bathtub! Even if they were stakes it'd still be a bit implausible.** I was so fucking depressed! **D'aaaawwww** I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. ***Yawn* Back to the fucking clothes.** I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn't fucking believe it. **Believe what? That your boyfriend's dead and you're dressing up in prostitute clothes?** Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap **Crackle! Pop!** was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! **Masticating: defined as "to chew (food)." Somehow I don't think that's what she means.** They were sitting on their broomsticks.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! **? YOU JUST TOLD US, IN UNNESCCECARY DETAIL, ABOUT THE FUCKING CLOTHES YOU WERE PUTTING ON!** ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. **Over your clothes. Which you are in fact still wearing.** Suddenly Vampire ran in. **Oh joy…**

"Abra Kedavra!" **What the fuck?** he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. **TAKE MY OVARIES!** I took my gun **And shot myself.** and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion **?** times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. **How does this make sense in any way?** Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. **Crack up every time I read "Dumblydore". ** "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" **Worst reveal ever. Also I thought he couldn't go into your room cos he'd look like a perv?** he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk. **That's what Dumbledore's spell did? Wow…talk about a let-down. :/**

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" **What? No he isn't! He's the fucking Gameskeeper! Also, who says this? O.o**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" **…what? *facepalm***

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. **Dumbledore didn't shoot him?** "There must be other factors." **How does this sentence apply in any way?**

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. **Same with this one. What kind of weird, tangential shit is going on here?**

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. **Triumelephantly: Defined as "Triumphantly, in the manner of an elephant."** "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!" **Of what? Ebony screaming despite wearing clothes? Maybe she doesn't want them to see her pile of steaks?**

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. **I'll take your word for it.**

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. **Doing what? Where is the fucking continuity of this chapter! Are sentences missing or just…I don't understand. My head may have just exploded…or maybe imploded…**

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint. ***sobs* I really hope this ends soon. I don't know how much longer I can continue reading this…**

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, **Why is Hagrid in the air? Is he levitating?** waving his wand in the air. **Is his wand in the air too? WHAT'S GOING ON?!** Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. **None of this makes any sense….he swooped? A gothic 50 cent? Two shillings and eightpence?**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind **A little afraid voice because he was afraid. Wow. Way to write Tara…** it meant he was connected with Satan. **Are goths inherently Satanic? Can you not be a good Christian (or _ insert religion here) while still being goffik? **

"Because I LOVE HER!" ***Head EXPLODES* That is all.**


	12. Chapter 12

**(C/N) Ha well here we go again! This is actually one of the more amusing chapters, and probably the longest, though I have no inclination to confirm or deny this. Feeling sleepy. Brains a little more melted today. Hope you guys enjoy this. I actually kind of enjoyed writing it. Think I'm slowly becoming converted to Taraism. Just kidding! ;)**

Chapter 12. **Say What?**

AN: stop f,aing **I swear Tara, if I knew what f,aing was I'd totally stop doing it.** ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat **What?! A lot of people in American schoold are pedo's? Fuck…glad I'm Irish. But hold on a sec…Hogwarts is in Scotland…** I wunted 2 adres da ishu! **How is **_**this**_** addressing the issue?!** how du u no snap iant kristian **Well…it seems unlikely…** plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok! **What? How does that even make sense? Where was Cedric in the last chapter? O.o**

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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. **…Well…that's a weird present…especially since you have a wand and a gun apparently…** He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy **Why? You're in school…what sort of enemies are you going to fight?** but I knew that we must both go together. **OMG…Like this if you cried. :'(**

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid **Why was caps lock on halfway through this sentence?** but it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" **Typical Harry statement. Pretty much all he says in the first four books. :/** and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **His red whites…his **_**red **_**whites...His red **_**whites**_**…no one sees anything wrong with this.**

I stopped. "How did u know?" **…Know that his scar was hurting…ummm….**

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!" **…What?**

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. **Once again…what?**

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." **WHY TURN IT INTO A FUCKING PENTAGRAM IF YOU'RE GOING TO COVER IT UP!** he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! **Which totally makes sense.** Save me! **Never!** then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **Wait…bondage? What sort of kinky shit has Vol…femort been up to? **

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. **But…when did you slit your wrists? And…what happened, where's Harry gone?** Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. **Well..ok..** They were going to St. Mango's after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. **Oh dear…really Tara…I don't think locking paedophiles up in a hospital is the best method of dealing with them. :/** Dumbledore had constipated **What?** the cideo camera they took of me naked. **YOU WEREN'T FUCKING NAKES!** I put up my middle finger at them. **Why are three paedophiles in the same ward as an injured…girl…**

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses. **…but…he's already in the room. With the other paedophiles?**

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses. **This is my v. serious face.**

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. **Hagrid…a prep? Oh dear…** Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.** Or for being a total slag. Maybe that's just a tad more realistic.**

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses." **They are…kittens?**

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" **I hope you've got some aloe vera cos you just got burned!** I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

"I saved your life!" **When?** He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." **For once Ebony, we are in agreement.** "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." **YOU WERE WEARING CLOTHES! YOU WENT INTO GREAT DETAIL!** Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) **YES!** to it he added silently.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly. **Another scathing comeback.**

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! . **That is not a spell…**

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely. **Wise is a bit strong…but you were surprisingly correct.**

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!" **This entire paragraph should be taught to children, just to indoctrinate them into being brainless drones, perfect for sending out to hunt down and kill Tara. (Too much?)**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn't a prep. **Because he can use the colour black. Wow.**

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?" **Eh…you're old boyfriend?**

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing. **Other than a ball of black flame.**

"U c, Enobby," **Ah, she's changed her name again. Damn it, I just can't keep up.** Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) **No. Because there was no joke in there.** u mst find urslf 1st, k?" **Why does Dumbledore talk like an eight year old texting? Oh wait, it's because this is My Immortal.**

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back. **Classic literature right there. Just…just epic. I'm going to suggest this text should be studied in colleges.**

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!" **Stupid Dumbledore. **

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. **Yay…clothes again…** There was some corset stuff on the front. **Lace? A word you used in the previous sentence.** Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) **Sadly I do know who this is…and feel tarnished by my lack of preppyness.** and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

"You look kawai, girl." **What. The. Fuck.** B'loody Mary said sadly. "Fangs (geddit) **No!** you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. **You can't bleed! You're supposed to be a fucking vampire!** I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap **Crackle! Pop!** and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. **They're locked up in the nurse's ward!** I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. **He should probably get those things to shave…** He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. **Ha! I love this image. A Hufflepuff sitting passively while Harry sucks his blood with a bored expression on his face.**

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way. **See? This is a conversation!**

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. **Wonder where this is going?** Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **Oh…ok…well…you are one classy lady Ebony.**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else. **Well you're having sex in the back of the room. People are going to be inquisitive…**

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily. **Well…you know what they say Ebony. It takes two to screw. ;)**

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.** Um…I'm getting a sense of déjà vu here…**

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. **This is actually eerie…**

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **Yup. We've read this already. And I still don't understand why Volfemort has him in bondage. Kinky bastard.**

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SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111 **What?**

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I ***To be read in Tara's voice* I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you return my sweater to me now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will continue to write this fanfiction. AND THEN DEDICATE IT TO YOU!**


	13. Chapter 13

**(C/N) Hey guys, sorry about the big delay since the last update. Been working on other pieces of writing and just put this on the backburner for a while. I'm back now though! **** As Bobbitt The Hobbit pointed out, Tara did in fact spell Linkin Park correctly. For some reason I thought they were called Lincoln Park, which does in fact exist, but is simply an area in Chicago. I think Tara's imbecility may be infecting me. I have seen medical professionals just in case. Lab results will be back soon. **

**Love to everyone who reviews. And doesn't. I'm not going to be mean. It is the New Year after all. Hope Christmas went well for everyone. If you want to give me a late Christmas present by reviewing, then by all means, go ahead. **

Chapter 13. **In The Name of Allah**

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! **Methinks there's trouble in paradise. Except that Tara would NOT gain admission there. *rewind* Methinks there's trouble in whatever hellhole Tara will spend eternity in.** PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG! **AWWW! BUT I LOVE FLAMIGNG!**

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Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared. ***gasp* Those sentences were actually grammatically correct! I am in shock.**

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there. **AAAAaaaaannnnddd now we're back to the same old crap once more. :P**

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" **Another one for the insult book I think.** he asked angrily.

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time. **Volsemort? Voldemort's evil twin brother?! OH NO!**

He laughed in an evil voice. **…Why? O.o**

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged. **Don't laugh in an evil voice. He's a student, you should give a fuck etcetera etcetera…I don't really care about him either to be honest. :/ **

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." **There you go kids. If you have sex with random sluts Dumbledore will hate you.** he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. **Brings to mind a particular meme. Troll in the dungeon! Dumbledore tells everyone to head to their common rooms. Draco's all whiny and scared going "But sir, our common room is IN the dungeon!" Dumbledore didn't care then either… Good times. ** Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!) **No…I don't…not being gay myself. But I don't think anyone would think a gay goffik Vampire/Harry would be hot. :/**

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. **This seems to happen a lot in Hogwarts. Have they laced the building with Asbestos or something? Might want to look into that.** Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed. **Really? Vampire? An idea? I think he might be bluffing…**

"What?" I asked him. **Witty wordplay.**

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair! **Wow…well…that's a bit anti-climactic. Why didn't he just do that to begin with instead of crying like a little idiot?**

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra!" **Since when has Voldemort converted to Islam? And what's a croon voice? O.o**

It was….. Voldemort! **REALLY?! In Voldemort's lair? Why the hell would he be there?!**


	14. Chapter 14

**(C/N) I know what you're thinking. Could it be two updates in less than two days? Well, you'd be right! You have no idea how easy it is to write and write and write when you're supposed to be working on essays for college! You'll do anything to avoid continuing to research Swift or Voltaire. Really, it's just unbearably painful. Even reading through My Immortal is preferable! Well…almost preferable. **

Chapter 14. **WARNING: Real Life Problems.**

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! **PREPZ UNITE! CONTINUE FLAMING!** Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. **Why do you do it Raven? Why? Why do you help her put us through this misery? ANSWER ME! Just…stop. The internet will thank you!** im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. **…Wow…that is so unbelievably stupid. I just don't understand how people can think cutting themselves is going to solve all their problems.** PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws! **From what I hear God doesn't hand out too many reviews. Or even revoiws.** **Guess that's the end so. Meh. It's been a good run. **

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WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. **The bad-spelling will terrorise you until you're a shrieking mess huddled in the corner of the kitchen floor, screaming randomly at an assortment of carrots and broccoli.**

We ran to where Volcemort was. **Valsemort and Voldemort eviler triplet!** It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. **That's because Volcemort was!** Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. **Ah Wormtail right?** Draco was there crying tears of blood. **Seriously dude, get that shit checked out!** Snaketail was torturing him. **Da fuck? O.o** Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail. **I think this is the point where I finally voice my opinions that Tara is a troll. No one could possibly write this badly. No one could be that stupid, lazy and untalented. It's just…not feasible.**

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun **Where the hell did they get a gun?** he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. **Not liking where this is going.** "EbonyIloveyouwiluhavesexwith me." he said. **MARY FUCKING SUE ALERT!** (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok) **Then…why is he with Voldemort? If he's only sixteen now he would have killed Cedric when he was…thirteen? WHY FUCK WITH EVERY ASPECT OF THE CANON?!**

"Huh?" I asked. **Well, we were all thinking it. :P**

"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail. **This guys a bit forward. Enoby's not the kind of chick to put out on a first date…. Oh wait. :/** I started laughing crudely. "What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." I said angrily. **Well…I guess we could at least follow that dialogue. It's…kind of an improvement…** Then I stabbed him in the heart. **Totally natural reaction for when I guy tells you he loves you.** Blood pored out of it like a fountain. **Might've pierced an artery there m'dear.**

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. **What a spectacularly well written death scene! I want another! Thistime for Ebony please! ** I brust into tears sadly. **Why? You fucking killed him!**

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. **Lying on the floor, slowly decaying.** Then… he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to us. **Voldemort…in…high heels… Someone kill me now.** So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. **Where the fuck did the broomsticks come from?! At least try to make this shit realistic!** We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying. **These last three sentences really pushed the plot forward in an interesting manner, didn't they?**

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. **This is such a classy relationship.** He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) **Kill me.** and a really huge you-know-what and everything. **What's everything? After his really big you-know-what what's left? He has testicles? Well good for him!**

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. **Yelled…but I suppose there's no point trying to correct her.** "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything." **Wow…it's unfair cos I'm so hot! Someone isn't a narcissistic, egotistical, arrogant twit at all. **

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco. **Says the guy who's been in a relationship for like five days and has screwed his girlfriend about forty times in that period. (Warning: Slight exaggeration)**

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! **OH NOES!** Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. **YOU WERE WEARING CLOTHES YOU DAFT BITCH!** Hargrid says he's in love with me. **Who may or may not also be Cedric.** Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! **Sigh…this story…it just depresses me.** I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" **I'm sure he tried…** I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) **Of course she's a snob. She's also an idiot, a moron, an imbecile, a twat, a slut and countless other things. One thing I doubt is that she's pretty. She's probably riddled with STD's at this stage.** "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away. **Just think kids. Some people have REAL life problems. Puts your shit to shame, doesn't it?**


	15. Chapter 15

**(C/N) High guys! It's update time! :) This one should take the total view up over a thousand which is pretty awesome given that this is a commentary on something that has already been commentated on to death. So I'm pretty happy and as a result am giving all you readers…you guessed it…an imaginary high-five. Doesn't that just fill you with cheer and good will to all man? Warning: The following chapter won't. Trust me on this. My blood is still boiling at its rampant stupidity.**

**Anyway, enjoy. Would really appreciate it if you take some time to review, even if it's just to say "OMFG, ur so funy. Lol." Or "ROFL. Stoopid Tara. Kep it up MAN!"**

Chapter 15. **So Fucking Angry**

AN: stup flaming ok! **Does she still really believe that this'll work?** btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! **Wow…threatening to hurt yourself if people who dislike you say mean things…that can only go well…** fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein! **Yes…fangz a lot raven. *sighs wearily***

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"Ebony Ebony!" **Shit, she actually spelt her name right twice in a row!** shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!"

But I was too mad. **Oh right, she's still angry about being beautiful and everyone loving her. Ok. **

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" I shouted. **Well then two people would stop being in love with you. Good plan Ebony. So crazy, it just might work.** I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. ***headdesk* The **_**key's **_**blood red?** It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. **? O.o The key or the door?** He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. **And yet neither Harry or Draco look anything alike.** I started to cry and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. **Is this that #cutforbieber thing I've been hearing about? …What? Too soon?** I drank the blood all depressed. **VAMPIRES DON'T BLEED! We've been over this.** Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class. **Because going to class has ALWAYS been Ebony's top priority.**

I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. **Yay…clothes…** Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. **How many words of this story are dedicated to describing clothes? I mean, it's got to be about 30% at least.** Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. **How is that Biology? Really, how, in anyone's messed up head, does that constitute Biology? O.o** Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco! **Well we all know what sort of biology's gonna go on now, don't we. ;)**

"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. "I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. **D'awwww. What beautiful, heartfelt words.** Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!." **This was a stirring speech. I think Obama should hire Tara as his main speechwriter. That'd make the news each night!** Then…. he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) right in front of the entire class! **While the teacher just stands there, doing nothing. Anyway, why wasn't Draco in the classroom? He's surely a man into Biology. (Though I'm pretty certain the word she was looking for was Transfiguration).** His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson (AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) . **No, I do not now most of them, those that I do know I have learnt of from this…story…and Marilyn Manson. Who is not hot. He is…abnormal. After all, nothing screams sexy like having a rib removed so that you could suck your own dick. He's a classy man.**

"OMFG." I said after he was finished. **Does anyone actually speak in abbreviations this often?It's starting to do my head in. :/** Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) at them. **Why are everyone who aren't "goffik" prepz? Is there no middle ground here?** "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) **I'm sure she hates you too.** and CMM in a Cinderella Story. Then we went away holding hands. Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. **Why is Lupin teaching Tranfiguration/Biology? And why are the "prepz" clapping? She just flipped them off?** Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. **Why the fuck is there a concert poster in a classroom?!** We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether. **IT'S NOT SPELLED 2GETHER!**

**I am so fucking angry right now. I'm going off to punch something…**


	16. Chapter 16

**(C/N) Sorry guys for the long delay. I've been finishing up with a Hunger Games collaboration (Bring Them To Their Knees) and then was working on starting a Red vs Blue one (Stage One: Genesis). If you have any interest in either of those categories, go and give those fanfics a look! **** Anyway, back to work on this little commentary now. Featuring more misspellings than I would have thought physically possible but, after all, this is My Immortal we're talking about! ;) Also, I had forgotten how difficult reading these chapters is. I'm going to take some painkillers and have a bit of a lie-down. I think I've earned it. :/ Anyway, if you've read it this far, nothing I can say is going to put you off now! Enjoy!**

Chapter 16. **Fear The Ebondy!**

AN: u no wut! **Nope.** sut up ok! **Nope.** proov 2 me ur nut prepz! **Ok…just kidding, I'm gonna go with** **nope again.** raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! **HA! Poor little Tara, lost her only follow. Run Raven! Run!** Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese! **But…you can't speak English as it is? O.o**

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We ran happily to Hogsmede. **Hogsmeade. Why can't you spell these simple things correctly? I guess we'll never know…just like I'll never know why my dog is staring at me right now, or why my celery is talking to me… :'(** There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. **There's a lot of running happily in this chapter…How exactly does one run happily? Isn't that just skipping? Still, I guess it's an improvement of "frenching passively". Those were the days… *Nostalgia*** MCR were there playing 'Helena'. I was so fucking happy! **Great. You're really fucking happy. We get it.** Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. **You could have licked chocolate off his torso. Except that would be awkward and unhygienic.** Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. **That is just the most awkward thing I have ever heard…If I saw a guy going around with an obvious erection at a concert I would get as far away from him as possible.** I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. **Clothes…from now on every time she starts talking I'm just going to scream "CLOTHES!" in real life. Somehow…it might make her stop…** Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. **"CLOTHES!" Nope, my sister's just staring at me with a "Da Fuck?" expression on her face.** Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. **You would die in a real mosh pit m'dear. Hell, **_**I **_**nearly died in a real mosh pit! *True Story*** We frenched. **Passively.** We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. **The security grabbed us and told us to "Piss off," in no uncertain terms.** Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. **Mission Impossible style, peeling off their faces.** We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was.,….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers! **Sounds either like a really shitty punk-rock band, or else a firm selling tombstones.**

"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" **You're already at the concer? O.o** I shouted angrily. "Not after what happened to me last time? **You had sex and got caught. Not exactly entirely his fault Ebony.** Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them" **Oh…this is a flashback. Yay…**

"What cause we…you know…" he gadgetted uncomfortbli **GO GO GADGET UNCOMFORTABLE!** cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what. **No, they really do. Guys are actually rather partial to a bit of you-know-what. It's a well-documented fact**

"Yeah cause we you know!" I yielded in an angry voice. **Completely unnecessary. You covered this in your last statement. We don't need more lines about how Ebony and Draco had sex because we CAN'T FUCKING FORGET IT!**

"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT." **…Whut? Do…Do they actually understand what an escort is? How will a (relatively) high class prostitute help? O.o**

"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" **What?! How does that even make sense? How is it mainstream to walk around with prostitutes?** I asked. "So I guess ur a prep or a Christina or what now?" **Who is Christina? O.o Is this a cultural thing or am I the only one who genuinely doesn't have a fucking clue who she is talking to?**

"NO." he muttered loudly. **YOU CAN'T MUTTER LOUDLY! IT'S AN OXYMORON!**

"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily. **HE JUST SAID NO!**

"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me!" He fell down to his knees and started singing 'Da world is black' by GC to me. **Why is this slowly becoming a Disney film? Every problem is overcome by a song…**

I was flattened cause **A PIANO FELL OUT OF THE SKY!** that's not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me! **Why should it matter if it's not a single? That doesn't affect his ability to memorise it!**

"OK then I guess I will have to." I said and then we frenched **Passively** 4 a while and I went up 2 my room. **Using numbers instead of words again…you win this round, Tara…I just can't compete. -_-**

B'loody Mary was standing there. "Hajimemashite gurl." **What. The. Fuck. When did this suddenly turn into the Sims? O.o** she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz 'how do u do' in japanese). **Oh? So you worked out how to use Google Translate?** "BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." **Oh Raven! You've been expelled from this warped universe. I suppose I forgive you now. We're cool.** (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!) **WE LOVE YOU RAVEN! YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE!**

"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily. **Because that is how you treat your friends. Wow…**

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. **But I thought you were all happy that Willow was expelled?** We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. **NO! NO! The Nightmare Before Christmas is a timeless classic and I will not allow Ebony to besmirch this. FUCK YOU TARA, YOU'RE NOT TAKING THIS AWAY FROM ME!** "Maybe Willow will die too." I said. **Die too? O.o Who else died? Everyone else keeps coming back to life for no discernible reason!**

"Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. **I honestly have no idea what those to words were meant to be. It hurts my eyes just looking at them…** "Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak." **What? What the fuck is this, a Greek tragedy? Why is all the action happening off stage? O.o And while I know what you meant there is no fucking word spelt necphilak! **

"Kawai." I commnted happily . **What?!** We talked to each other in silence **How the fuck does that even make sense. It's like saying I stared at you blindly or I stood up kneeling!** for da rest uv da movie.

"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr." I sed. " I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA." **"CLOTHES!" Well, they'll be coming up soon, I have no doubt… Yay.**

B'Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. **What is going on the with the random capitol letters?** "Omfg totally lets go shopping."

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde. **If only you could spell words other than Hot Topic…*Sigh***

"No." My head snaped up. **What? Is she dissing Hot Topic?**

'WHAT?" my head spuin. I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?" **This is kinda getting ridiculous though. If they do anything she disagrees with she immediately asks if they're preps. Bit…paranoid.**

"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all." **Haha. Yeah. Fuck you, B'Loody Mary.**

"Hu told u abut them" I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me!). Or me. **If you told her then wouldn't you know remember? **

"Dumblydore." She sed. "Let me just call our broms." **BROM! Where are you BROM!**

"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" I asked quietly. **Why is it always Dumblydore? Would it kill you to spell it right, just once, just for me?**

"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." She told me. "Come on let's go." **If you saw it on his map then he didn't tell you about it. And why would he have a map of a small town that he almost certainly would be familiar with?**

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few dresses. **You gonna start banging him too Ebony? Add a few more STD's to your collection?** "We only have these for da real goffs." **I'm pretty sure stores can't discriminate like that. It would hardly be good for business.**

"Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked. **That's what he said.**

"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." **How can a camera pouch be gothic? Is it just black? **He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera." **Such a travesty. Also, how can you **_**try**_** to buy a camera pouch?**

"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" **As if the first time wasn't ridiculous enough.** I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.** "CLOTHES!" (I'm having to scream this a lot more than I had expected to. Tara is taking the piss I suspect).**

"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said. **Who the fuck is this salesman? Who talks like that?**

"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary. **Because clothes are the most important things in the world. Wait…would real goths really be so caught up in what they're wearing? Isn't that more of a prep thing.**

"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked. **NO. Just no. That is stupid. People don't give you clothes for free, just because you *dubiously*** **look hot in them.**

"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?" **Wow…she slipped her real name in. And changed Ebony to ebondy. Bet she's going to sleep with him.**

"Tom Rid." He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. "maybe I'll see you there tonight." **Oh wow. He's Voldemort. She's definitely going to sleep with him.**

"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!" I yelled angrily, **But he hasn't exactly done anything pervy. He's actually been pretty nice to you. Why are you being a bitch.** but before he could beg me to go with him, Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. **Oh joy, another example of crazily OC Hagrid. :/** "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!" **Still Ebondy. Wonder if this change will be permanent? **

**We can only hope! ;)**


	17. Chapter 17

**(C/N) Ok guys, long time, no see. Sorry about the lapse between chapters. I've been needing a root canal for the past few weeks, getting that done on Tuesday (yay!) and I've been working on a few collaborations, which, along with college. has meant that I haven't had much time for my own stuff. I'm back now, and am determined to get back to work on this fanfic and all the rest of my 'fics. So I promise, updates will be occurring more frequently.**

**Enjoy! (If you can get any enjoyment out of this sort of thing).**

Chapter 17. **It Was Dumblydore!**

AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! **When we she realise that we are, in fact, not the flamers. Her story is a flame of the very fabric of fanfiction itself.** if ur a prep den dnot red it! **But we enjoy the laugh we get from reading it!** u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. **Oh dear god…if only that quiz still existed…** if ur not den u rok. **And are mentally deficient. But that's not your fault.** if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! **Flaming your readers? Slightly ironic methinks.** pz willo isn't rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr! ***Sigh* The Raven-Tara wars continue.**

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Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. **Of course he did. Because Ebony is simply too irresistible to actually need money.** He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual). **So being bisexual means that he's into fashion and doing girls' makeup?** Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts. **Ha. Shooting. Cum. Priceless.** "WTF Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. "Fuck off you fjucking bastard." **Lesson of the day, kids. Fjuck is the new fuck.** Well anyway Willow came. **Why? Was she and Hargird having OOC sex in the corner?** Hargird went away angrily.

"Hey bitch you look kawaii." she said. **Well at least we agree on one thing…Ebony is a bitch.**

"Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything. **What exactly does "pretty and everything" mean. What does the "everything" consist of?** She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. **CLOTHES BITCHES!** She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. **I do love a girl with nice bobs.** She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic. **Wow…because anorexia isn't a big deal… *facepalm***

"So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?" she asked. **How can you actually talk in textspeak? Can anyone help me out on this one?**

"Yah." I said happily.

"I'm gong with Diabolo." she anserred happily. Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came. **Because they were having sex with Hargird in the corner.** They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. **I'm so fucking sure** Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said '666' on it. **Clothes!** He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson. **Makeup!** Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower. **Clothes!** B'loody Mart was going 2 da concert wif Dracola. **Dracola, now sugar free. We call it Dracola Zero!** Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. **Whut?** They dyed in a car crash. **…Whut?** Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth. **…Whut?** He was in Slitherin now. ***Head explodes*** He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. ***Hand continues typing* Clothes!** We kall him Dracula now. Well anyway we al went 2 Draco's black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik) **That doesn't even make sense!** that his dad Lucian gave him. **Lucian? Oh for fucks sake…** We did pot, coke and crak. **Always a good thing to do while driving.** Draco and I made out. **While no one was driving.** We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. **After driving into them because no one was watching the fucking road!** We soon got there….I gapsed. **LE GASP!**

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. **Emm…DESCRIPTIONS!** He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice. **What the fuck does an "ethnic voice" sound like? O.o** We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn't Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes... **Oh joy, Voldemort's turned up…*sigh&** Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came. **Because they were having sex with Hargird in the corner.** It was….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers! **This sounds either like some really shitty band name or else some daytime tv marketing program. You know, like Antiques Roadshow.**

"U moronic idiots!" he shooted angstily. **These insults are just too scathing to be repeated aren't they!** "Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now….I shall kill thou and Draco!"

**YES! YOU HEARD MY PRAYERS! **

"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife. **They just stand there even though they have wands, and possibly guns, while he comes at them with a knife?**

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. **Sounds like Hagrid? O.o** He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back. **Like a goffic Hagrid?** He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. **Like a stupid Tara-ised goffic Hagrid?** It was…DUMBLYDORE!

…**of course it was.**


	18. Chapter 18

**(C/N) Is this what it looks like? Have I actually kept my promise and am posted twice in two days? Could what you're appear to be seeing actually, in fact, be true? Well yes, you're right, this is indeed a new post, and here's chapter eighteen of this…marvellous commentary. Hopefully I'll be able to keep this whole one-update-a-day thing going, but, as I am notoriously lazy and undependable, we'll just have to see. I promise I'll try though!**

Chapter 18. **I Know The Feeling, Bitch.**

AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! **Because if they don't do something after you say it for the sixteenth time, saying it for the seventeenth time should totally work. Can't fault that logic.** if u do den ur a fuken prep! **Alas! You cut us to the quick!** fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a prep. **Oh dear, Raven returns to the fold. Damn her.** fangz for muh sewter! **I am going to read this as "sewer", as I am of the firm belief that that is where Tara lives.** ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der! **So being goffik and having a headache are the only justifications for swearing?**

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I woke up the next day in my coffin. **As, you know, everyone normally does.** I walked out of it and put on some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow, blood-bed lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. **Makeup and CLOTHES!** I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it. **Jewellery! **

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth). **No, I really don't get it. Is skull meant to mean school? **Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. **Kudos to Dumbledore.** We flew there on our brooms. **? Flew where on your brooms?** Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. There was lace all over it. **Because your broom wanted to be fancy.** Draco had a black MCR boom. **Of course he did.** We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.) **Because nothing says romantic like a quickie to Linkin Park.**

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. **How good was it? It was GRATE!** There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. **Because that actually makes sense. *facepalm* We are reaching new levels of OOC.** But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. **Why was there pink paint underneath the black paint? O.o** And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys. **Why the fuck would the Great Hall, or the Grate Hall for that matter, have posters everywhere?**

"WTF!" I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. **Exactly what I was thinking.** B'loody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets. **Yay…more clothes…My enthusiasm is dying at this point.** Vampire, Dracula and Draco came. **Because they were having sex with Hargird in the corner.** We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in cause they were bi. **…*sigh* of course they are…**

"Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. **Could this be Dumbledore?** He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. **So yes, it is Dumbledore.** He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black. **How the hell could you tell he was tanned if he was wearing foundation? O.o Also, his hare died? That is so sad. :'(**

"….DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped. **THIS IS NOT A REVELATION! YOU HAD THE LAST CHAPTER END THE SAME WAY!**

"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!" **His hair couldn't magically un-dye itself! Oh wait…actually it could…**

"Hello everyone." he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?" **Why is Dumbledore either incredibly angry and foul-mouthed in this, or just incredibly camp?**

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. **Why? For god's sake Tara, please explain WHY THE FUCK PEOPLE DO THESE THINGS.** Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was!1. **Ugh! Don't you just hate posers? Because Tara is obviously a genuine goth.**

"BTW you can call me Albert." HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes.** Random Capslock. Nice touch. Classy.**

"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation. **Transfiguration, my dear.** We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. **Then just have a threesome. I mean, it's coming sooner or later.** I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard) **Oh god. Stop making these terrible non-puns!** but I didn't say anything. "I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis!" Willow shouted. **He's like a hundred! He's having a late-life crisis!**

I was so fucking angry. **I know the feeling, bitch. Trust me on this.**


	19. Chapter 19

**(C/N) A third chapter in three days? Am I for real? I know, I know, no need to thank me. I just love you guys this much. Also, just for your info, while I'm trying to get an update a day out, tomorrow I'm scheduled for a root canal treatment, which may prevent me from posting a new chapter. But we'll just have to see.**

**I may have lost it at a couple of points in this chapter, as I just start swearing and insulting Tara, rather than actually commenting on the stupidity of the chapter. Then again, I guess that's just what I've always done. **

**Anyway, enjoy it if you can, and keep watching. Another update will be up soon.**

Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise **What a promising title. We're off to a great start already, I can feel it.**

AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok! **I don't know how much longer I can be bitingly sarcastic about this request any more. There's only so many times before it starts to get sad. **11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 **This is almost totally unreadable, but I assume she means she'll delete bad reviews?** BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 **…Nope. I have no idea either.** fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11 **Once again Raven, why?**

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All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore. **Wow…took you that long to think about something.** We were so fucking pissed off. **What? Were you reading this fanfic too?!** Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert. **Oh yeah…the concert. So looking forward to this. Also, did it not already happen? I know it was really Voldemort and the…Death Dealers, but does this plot twist **_**really **_**have to be revisited?** It had been postphoned, so we could all go. **Wow…convenient. Almost unbelievably so…**

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. **Then why do it if you're all sad about it?** Draco was being all secretive. **Stupid secretive Draco.**

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty **A perfectly natural reaction. This does not make me think that Draco might be a tad emotionally unstable at all.** (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot). **Really? Breaking the fourth wall a bit right here.**

"No one fucking understands me!1" he shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz. **You have ruined that song forever for me.** He was wearing black baggy paints, **Must be difficult.** a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. **Oh wait…CLOTHES!** (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik) **You dumb bitch.** I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots **How exactly are they held?** and a cross belly fing. **Still clothes…** My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik) **Did anyone actually email her? Better yet, could I have her email address? *chuckles maniacally***

"Accuse me? What about me!" I growled. **Grr. I'm Ebony. I'm only marginally smarter than the average bear.**

"Buy-but-but-" he grunted. **Hrr. I'm Draco. I'm only marginally smarter than the average pig, and twice as repulsive.**

"You fucking bastard!" I moaned. **WHY DO NONE OF THESE VERBS MAKE SENSE!**

"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted. **What?! Where the hell did that come from?! O.o**

But it was to late. **For what?** I knew what I herd. **I wish we did.** I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. **A lot of people have been crying in this chapter.** Draco banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!) ***Sigh* I understood none of this sentence. Why is she crying on shit?**. I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot. **OH NO! Ebony?! Doing DRUGS! What has the world come to?!**

Suddenly Hargrid came. He had appearated. **Despite the fact that he's not supposed to use magic. Riiiight.**

"You gave me a fucking shock!" I shouted angrily dropping my pot. **Oh noes! No more weed!** "Wtf do you fink you're doing in da gurl's room?" **Wow. A question that actually makes sense? In my Immortal? O.o**

Only it wasn't just Hargrid. **Then…shouldn't you have seen them by now?** Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid or maybe Draco but it was Dumblydore. **Draco's outside? You know this!**

"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse. **Oh yes, Dumblydore the wannabe-goth. Yay. ** "What are u wearing to the concert?" **Because he's now got an inherent fashion sense.**

"U no who MCR r!" I gasped. **HE NEVER FUCKING MENTIONED THEM!**

"No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2." He said. "Anyway Draco has a surprise for u." **What?! How would he know that? And he was at that concert, until it turned out to be Voldemort!**

**What sort of ending is this to chapter? How the fuck does any of this make sense? Then again, looking for sense in a chapter of My Immortal is probably the first sign of insanity.**


	20. Chapter 20

**(C/N) New update! Thankfully my root canal went ok, barely felt a thing throughout it, so everything's good on my end. Have taken some painkillers, but, to be honest, I don't even think they were that necessary. Hope you're all excited for this chapter, because we've just entered the twenties. Sadly, the fic's just as bad as before. Or happily, depending on your point of view! ;)**

**Bon appetite!**

Chapter 20. **Black Is The Colour**

AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! **Then why do you keep posting? No, really?** stof pflamin ok prepz!1 **Sure. We'll get right on it.** fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz. **Really? Transilvania? Fair enough, at least it means people a few days respite. **

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All day I wondered what the surprise was. **We're all in the same boat, m'dear. It's been keeping me up at night.** Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it, an black gothic compact boots. **I'm beginning to think Ebony likes the colour black. Is anyone else picking up on that? Oh, and by the way…CLOTHES!** MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one. **Yes. This has been established.** I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. **Sounds like a pretty standard night to me.** Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes **You're already wearing clothes! You told us all about them! Extensively!** and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again. **Ebony really is a classy girl, isn't she?**

"Wut de fucking hell r u doing!" I shouted angrily. **Oh, so it wasn't Draco?** It was Loopin! **Le gasp!** "R u gonna cum rape me or what." I yelled. **Probably. It'd be pretty much how every other chapter had turned out. Not in that people have raped you, but in how the very existence of this 'fic is a rape of Harry Potter.** I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo. **Then why would he employ paedo's? Dumbledore is the worst headmaster ever. Of all time.**

"No, actshelly (geddit, hell) ***headdesk*** kan I plz burrow sum condemns." he growld angrily. **Wow. A paedophilic teacher asking a student for condoms. Standards really have dropped in Hogwarts lately, haven't they?**

"Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?" I shouted sarkastikally. **Why are you being sarcastic? The man's a known paedophile!**

"Fuker." He said, gong away. **And his master-plan fails.**

Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. **Once again the colour black is heavily present. It's like she's trying to tell us something…MAKEUP!** Then I went. Den I gasped….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1 **Now there is a mental image that I did not need. Why do that to poor Dobby? The poor little guy got enough of a hard time in the real series. :/**

"Oh my god you ludacris idiot!" they both shooted angrily when they saw me. **An insult that just never gets old.** Dobby ran away crying. **Someone will need a psychiatrist.** Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) but both of them were fuking preps. ***Rereads last sentence* *Weeps for humanity*** (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now) **Because that makes sense.**

"WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" **Of course it is! What other reason could there be?!** I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat) **Yes, but then you misspelled "spelt" and "that". Hence our displeasure.**

"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" Lumpkin shouted angrily. **And yet you still had sex, you naughty boy.**

"Well you shoulda told me." I replayed. **Why else did you think he wanted them for?! And what is he, Netflix?**

"You dimwit!." Snake began 2 shoot angrily. **Another example of a cutting insult, brought to you by Tara Gillespie.** And then…I took out my black **black!** camera and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything. **This is not a creepy and inappropriate thing to do in any way. This is not exactly the same thing you tried to kill them for only a few chapters ago.**

"Well xcuse me!" they both shouted angrily. "What was dat al about?" **Revenge, bitches! She's got you now, you Ludacris dunces!**

"It wuz to blackmail u." I snarked. **And there you go. My clairvoyance has been proven. Although I, of course, knew it would be.** "So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I'll show dis to Dumbledork. **Because, even though he's ok with employing known paedophiles, that would be too much for him to tak.** So fuck off, u bastards!" I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound **A very difficult thing to do.** at them and dey tripped over it. Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot. ***Sarcasm* I know, he's soooo dreamy, right? *End sarcasm***

"WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him. **This question makes no sense. That is all I have to say about it.**

"Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. **Well, we can agree on that, at least. ** He told me he wouldn't cum." **Emm..Ebony…I think Draco's cheating on you…** Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? **Erm…** 2 the concert?" **Oh, that's ok! It's totally innocent! **** Whew!**

Then….. he showed me his flying car. **Why does everyone has fucking flying cars? Has a Toyota dealership moved in next door to Hogwarts?** I gasped. It was a black car. **Black again…** He said his dogfather **Fear ze dogfather! Mwahahahahaa!** Serious Blak **Now she spells black wrong…** had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. **Of course it does. Even though it's illegal to use customised plates in the UK. That's not going to get him into trouble later down the line at all!** The one on da back said 'ENOBY' on it. **Wow. Not even getting into how wrong it is to have **_**anything **_**named after your best friend's girlfriend, the dumb bastard can't even get her name right…**

….I gasped. **LE FUCKING GASP!**

We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing. **Will they turn out to be Voldemort and the Death Dealers again? We can but hope.**

Vampire and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik. **First of all, not cool guys. Secondly, how can you make out while moshing?** I gapsed, looking at da band. **Le gasp!**

I almost had an orgasim. **From just looking at a band? Someone's a bit…easy.** Gerard was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing 'Helena' and his sexah **SEXAH** beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. **And it was sexah!** ….And den, I heard some crrying. **In a sexah fashion!** I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner. **Oh shit bitch, he's found out that you cheated on him with Harr-Vampire! Oh wait. I honestly don't care. Serves him right, in my opinion.**


	21. Chapter 21

**(C/N) Hey guys! New update time! Almost halfway through the epic drama that is My Immortal. It has been a long ride, and the end is still a bit away. I hope you'll all stick with me though! Love if you'd take time to review, or check out one of the other 'fics that I'm working on, as I've got a lot more to give than a scathingly sarcastic commentary on the world's worst fanfic. ;)**

**Thanks for reading!**

Chapter 21. **The Mystery of Magic.**

AN: fuk u ok! **I think someone might be feeling a **_**little**_** tetchy.** u fokng suk. **Very tetchy.** itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1 **Do not understand this sentence, but I think she just called Raven a bitch…** woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help. **O…k… So did she call her a bitch or not? O.o** btw transilvana rox hrad!1 **The only thing that rocks is Geology.** I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed! **There were lots of Dracula films. I'd say it would be harder to find a castle in Transylvania where a Dracula film **_**hasn't **_**been filmed. **

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Later we all went in the skull. **Oh dear…witty puns again.** Draco was crying in da common room. **Bet he so you and…Vampire *sigh* making out!** "Draco are u okay?" I asked in a gothic voice. **That's bullshit. Pure and simple. How does one speak in a gothic voice? Can I speak in a post-romanticism voice?**

"No I'm not u fuking bitch!" **You tell her, Draco!** he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. **Here we go again. Tara, these adverbs just don't make sense.** I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide. **He's already done it before. You know, Dumbledore really should have organised some sort of counsellor for Draco to visit….**

"Its ok Enoby." said Vampire comfortly. **Because I'm sure Draco will be happy to see the guy who was making out with his girlfriend.** "Ill make him feel better."

"U mean you'll go fuck him wont you!" **And yet it's ok for you to eat the face off Vampire.** I shouted angrily. Then I ran 2 get Draco. **Use of numbers in a sentence. A!** Vampire came too. **Because he was having sex with Hargird in the corner. (This isn't getting old fast at all).**

"Draco please come!" he began to cry. **What's with everyone being so irrationally hormonal? Oh wait…this is My Immortal. **Tears of blood came down his pail face. **Dude, get that shit checked out, stat.** I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. **You've established this extensively.** (if ur a homophone den fuk of!) **Firstly, it's homophobe. Secondly, didn't you have some sort of freak out in the first chapter about lesbians? Thirdly, it's not ok to be homophobic, but there's nothing wrong with hating everyone who isn't "goffik"?**

And then….. we herd sum footsteps! **LE GASP!** Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke. **Wow, Coca Cola are really getting ahead of the market.** We both gut under it. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, **Em…I think you mean Filch. Mrs Norris is his cat…** shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

"WHOSE THERE!" he shouted angrily. **Who's. But I'm just a grammar Nazi that way.** We saw Filth come. **Ha! Filth would have been a much cooler name for him.** He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly. **Yeah, she's definitely gotten the two characters mixed up.**

"IS ANY1 THERE!" yelled Mr. Norris. **Knocking on the moonlit door,/ While his horse, in silence, champed the grasses/ Of the forest's ferny floor.**

**Bit of poetry for y'all. The Listeners. Check it out!**

"No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!" Vampire said under his breast **Ha. Vampire has moobs! It had been confirmed!** in a disgusted way. **Also, why talk when…Mr Norris is only a few feet away. Being invisible doesn't mean that he can't hear you.**

"EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" yelled Mr. Norris. **There we go, he heard you, you daft fat OOC Harry.** Den he heard Filch meow. "Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!" he asked. **What's the point in having an invisibility cloak if it's not invisible? It is, essentially, just a cloak, for all extents and purposes.** Filth nodded. And then….Vampir frenched me! **Wow…this just takes the classiness to a whole new level, doesn't it?** He did it jus as….. Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1 **Epic timing too, Vampire. You really should have some sort of playbook written up.**

"WHAT DA-" he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. **This will not lead to trouble at all. Of course he will fail to recognise the only goffik students in Hogwarts.** And den we saw Draco crying n bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da school. **Isn't that pretty standard for him. He's doing that in, like, every chapter. :/**

"Draco!" I cried. "R u okay?" **He's slitting his wrists. What do you think?**

"I guess though." Draco weeped. **Wow. This guy really is fucked up if he thinks wrist slitting is just a standard affair.** We went back to our coffins frenching each other. **Because that makes sense. OH! He's trying to kill himself! Kiss me!** Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (c isnt da deprezzin) on the gothic red bed together. **How can a bed be gothic? Also, Tara actually wrote it as "gothic"! This is a ground-breaking moment!** As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. **Because Harry's not the only one who get's visions here! Not when Ebony's around to steal the spotlight!** There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1 **Ha, the Mystery of Magic! What do they do? Can't tell you. It's a mystery. A magical mystery.**


	22. Chapter 22

**(A/N) Hey guys, sorry for a break in the flow of updates. Been busy working on my other 'fics, so expect to see one or two updates across the board, with a little bit of luck. This chapter officially takes us to the half-way point, and you all know what that means! It's all downhill from here on out. Yay.**

**Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this update, and please feel free to take a look at any of my other 'fics, or the two collaborations that I'm currently a part of: Bring Them to Their Knees, a Hunger Games fanfic, and Phase One: Genesis, a Red vs Blue fanfic. **

**Enjoy!**

Chapter 22. **It's Gonna Be Ruff!**

AN: stfu!** Because abbreviations are the highest form of scorn!** prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris **But it's **_**not **_**Mr Norris! That's the fucking problem!** itz raven's folt ok! **Of course it is. Everything's Raven's fault. **11 u suk! **Wow…you are so nice to your friends. :/ **1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1 **Oh…so now you're retracting your insult? O.o MAKE UP YOUR GODDAMN MIND ALREADY!**

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All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic. **Wait, they've gone from being mysterious to miserable? Poor guys. :'(** Well anyway, I woke up the next day. **Wow, ACHIEVEMENT!** I was in my coffin **Of course you were… *sigh*** so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas. **Leather pyjamas! What the fuck is wrong with you! Oh wait…you're Ebony. That explains it.** Then I gasped. **Le Gasp!**

Standing in front of me where…. B;loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow! **Wow! Your friends and boyfriend are in your room. What a shocking moment.**

I opened my crimson eyes. **Wait…how did you know they were all in your room if you hadn't opened your eyes yet? O.o** Willow was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. **Clothes! I guess they pyjamas bit was too, but meh…** Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. **More clothes!** Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. **Even more clothes!** Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. **More…clothes…** He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy. Vampire looked like Joel Madden. B'loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage with a white apron that said 'bich' and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. **So many clothes…kill me now… Please…** Darkness (who is Jenny) was there too. **Wait a second. I thought Darkness was your second name? And it's Ginny, not Jenny, and definitely **_**not **_**Darkness.** **And when did she get into your room?!** She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. **Yay…still talking about clothes…** So were Crab and Goyle. **When the fuck did they get here?!** It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. **What…Crab and Goyle are Weasleys now?** He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. **VAMPIRES CAN'T DIE FROM THAT! THEY DON'T BLEED!** He had raped them and stuff before too. **Wow…okay. This has taken on a dark tone. **They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism. **Jesus…Tara…just no. **

"OMFG" I yielded as I jumped up. "Why the fuck are u all here?" **Finally! You finally ask a sensible question. WEL FUCKING DONE, EBONY!**

"Enoby something is really fucked up." Draco said. **? Are they talking about this fanfiction? **

"OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first." I shouted angrily. **You're wearing pyjamas. You can talk in pyjamas. Pyjamas are not the problem in this situation.**

"It's all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii ***headdesk*** anyway. Your so fucking beautiful." Draco said in a sexy voice. **From now on, in an attempt to amuse myself, I will add the adjective sexy to every noun other than people's names.**

"Oh all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why your being all erective." **Erective? Too much information Ebony. TMI girl. T.M.I.**

"I will I will." he said. "**I just have a pyjama fetish. Is that so wrong?"**

So I just put on some black **sexy** eyeliner, black **sexy** lipstick and red **sexy** eyeshadow and white **sexy **foundation. **MAKEUP! HOW I MISSED YOU!** Then I came. **Because she was having sex with Hargird in the corner!** We all went outside the **sexy** Great Hal **"You know what? You're great, Hal."** and looked in from a **sexy** widow. **How can you use widows to look at things? Is this what use they're put too in the Tara-verse?** A fucking **sexy** prep called Britney from **sexy** Griffindoor was standing next to us. **DA BITCH!** She was wearing a pink **sexy** mini and a Hilary Duff **sexy** t-shirt so we put up our **sexy** middle fingers at her. **Wow. You guys are friendly people.** Inside the **sexy** Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. Cornelia Fudged was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too. **Wow. This is building for a fascinating scene…**

"THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE **SEXY** SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!" **Wow…that's actually pretty much in character.**

"THE **SEXY** BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE **SEXY** STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge. **"AND IT'S GOING TO BE RUFF!" Ruff, get it? No? Oh…okay… :'(**

"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE **SEXY** PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" **Really? You guys only realised that now? The sort of crap that's been going on in Hogwarts should have told you this twenty chapters ago!** yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR **SEXY** ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! **OH! So that's why Dumbledore's been so weird up til now! Finally, a satisfying explanation! ** YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR **SEXY** STUDENTS!" **YOU MUST RETRY! Wait…retry what exactly? How does that even make sense? O.o**

"Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "Butt we cannot do this. **Timmy, what are butts for? …Butts are for pooping.** We can't close the **sexy** school. There is only one **sexy** person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the **sexy** school. **Convenient.** And her **sexy** name is… **What's the bet it's going to be Ebony?**…..Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way." **Wow, I was wrong! It was some bitch named Enony instead! **

Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B'loody Mary looked at each other…I gasped. **LE GASP!**


End file.
